What Men Want

by Dennis Green

It’s an unusual question. Usually, the focus is on women. “What does a woman want?” anyway? But as the heart grows older, it comes to such sights colder, by and by…And a curious thing is in the air, the Zeitgeist. We’re becoming tired of the subject of women. They just don’t count anymore like they used to.

So we’ve come, as a society, full circle, in a way. But from a patriarchal society, needing and wanting women as chattel only to perpetuate our line, we’ve gone through all the in-between stages now, realizing, many of us, that they were never our property to begin with, and that somehow, keeping our DNA in play is not necessarily the entire point of our existence.

“Women on the Way…” After Phèdre, how about a little Joan Didion? Remember Fanny Hill? How about Oprah, the Aunt Jemima of talk show hosts…

So we men, some of us, went through an awakening, where we began to take women seriously as something other than potential lovers and partners in bed and broth, as caregivers. We agreed that they should have equal rights, and some of us even fought to see an amendment to the U.S. Constitution enacted, the “Equal Rights Amendment,” that would set such equality into the law of the land.

And then, we saw hoards of women, some religious, some simply conservative, some very pragmatic, join some men to see that the amendment would be defeated. The reason? With such equality, women would not have the advantages they do in securing spousal support, (once called “alimony”), or sole custody of the children in the event of a divorce, let alone huge advantages in gaining child support.

So with the defeat of the ERA, some of us took a half step backward, and asked ourselves, “What’s really going on here? What are sexual roles and rights and expectations all about?” Some of us realized that we needed to learn to live alone, to do without, to be alone without feeling, necessarily, lonely. That such a thing as being single might even be – dare we think it? — preferable.

And since the early ‘80s, some of us men have been working on that perception, learning to live alone, without companionship, without domestic bliss, without snuggling every night, without cooking and cleaning for somebody else, without remembering all those birthdays and anniversaries and such. For myself, I’ve learned and then forgotten again those lessons after every divorce…

But when I told my friend, Brucie, that my partner Diane was going to Hawaii soon for a few days, his only comment was: “Won’t it be great to have the house all to yourself? I mean, women are great fun, but don’t you just LOVE being alone, not being lonely, but just all by yourself?”

And I heard it. What men want. After all the social changes, after all the talk about women, and how powerful and wonderful and important they are, we just want to be left the hell alone. I’m sorry, but that’s about what it comes down to. That Brucie is a very perceptive guy.

Women spend so much time making themselves attractive. And that’s great, the hair, the clothes, the wrinkle crème. I’m not even sure they do it for us, maybe just for themselves, or for their women friends. And I obviously think about my effect on women when I get dressed in the morning.

“And I could use somebody…use somebody like you.”

But when all is said and done, the opposite sex may not even be the point. I meet women all the time who have obviously given up on men. They regard them as a necessary evil, if necessary at all. Some of them don’t want kids. Others have had them and seen them grow up and move away. Most of the people I know have been divorced at least once. But, then, I don’t live in the suburbs. Alameda is in the metropolitan heart of the Near East Bay.

We men always lag a little in our maturity, but eventually, we catch up with the ladies. And if their equality has liberated them from needing us, it’s only a matter of time until it liberates us from needing them. They’re going to dominate the workforce, as they always have the bedroom, so maybe it’s time we found another game to play. Rugby anyone?

©2010 Dennis Green