Stuck On Stupid

by Dennis Green

“I prefer that bartender,” I said, “because she doesn’t talk a blue streak.” And my lady friend knew exactly what I meant. “Better,” she said, “than being stuck on stupid.”

All my life, I’ve fought against becoming cynical, thinking such an attitude is corrosive to the soul. But I’m afraid I’m losing ground these days. Too late the Misanthrope! Where I’m going, there aren’t any helmets.

For the longer I go, the more I see that the species, the entire human race, is simply stuck on stupid. Even the best of us, the most genius and creative, spend more moments in a trance of un-lucidity than we do in perfect harmony with the universe, let alone ourselves.

And some folks, or many, so far as I can tell, spend most of their lives in that state, and maybe only a few seconds in a world that might be regarded as lucid, let alone brilliantly lit up. They’re simply taking up oxygen, food and space. Example: I learn from the local police blotter that many people leave “clothes and electronics” in their cars worth hundreds of dollars. Dumb!

There are many ways, I’m sure, to get stuck on stupid. Let me count the ways:

One: You’re just born that way. You don’t know any better, and never learn. No matter how hard the teacher tries, you just don’t get it. You drop out of high school in the 10^th grade. And become a general in the Air Force, serving in the Strategic Air Command.

Two: You grow up in the Deep South, or in Alaska, where intelligence is distrusted, where something resembling “common sense” is highly regarded but rarely achieved. Sort of a rarified value, like chastity. “Sometimes I relieve myself just to lighten the load.”

Three: You grow up in the Inner City, where, ditto, getting good grades, doing your homework, studying, are all regarded with suspicion. What the hell are you, anyway, some kind of dark-skinned Honky? Didn’t you hear about the first black astronaut? The Jig is Up!

Now that we’ve seen, rhetorically, how much the Homie and the Redneck have in common, let’s move on.

Four: You graduated high school but by that time had way too much book larnin’, enough to last you a lifetime. If you were a girl, you just got knocked up and married, probably in that order. If you were a guy, you either went into the service, or got a job at the local gas station or pizza parlor. Enough already! Give that brain pan a rest!

Five: You went to junior college and got your two year AA degree. That was good enough to get you a better job and a higher salary at the Airport, doing security checks, and your union gets you a good salary and perks, long vacations and many coffee breaks during the day. So that Richard Reed guy got through, and maybe a couple of those 9/11 perps, but wot the hell..!

Six: You scored your bacheloriate from UC Berkeley, and went to work in your father’s factory, but in the front office. He went broke and took the whole company down, so you went into real estate instead, and made a fortune. And somewhere along the way, you stopped reading books and focused instead on the listings, and the emails from your agents in the field. You dimly remember some of the philosophers, somebody named Seneca or something like that, but when you get a spare moment, you watch Fox News…

Seven: You got your PhD in chemistry, but you have very bad taste in women. Tasty women. But you will do anything to impress them, even register Republican if that helps. But all it helps is making you more stupid. Or you’re a woman with the same advanced degree, and its chemistry — alcohol or menopause or both — that’s makes you stuck on the way you are.

As you can see, there are many ways to get stuck on stupid, and very low odds that you won’t. But even though the odds are against it, it’s never too late to get loose!

©2010 Dennis Green