Mama Grizzlies

by Dennis Green

There’s a lot of talk about the new Sarah Palin video about the “Mama Grizzlies” rising up protecting their cubs. Assuming Sarah has had a lot of intimate experience in the wilds of Alaska with that breed of bear, let’s see how well the metaphor holds up.

Mama Grizzlies, first of all, spend a lot of time hibernating, fast asleep in their dens, living after their stored body fat, which, presumably Sarah hasn’t had time to do since resigning the office of Governor. Next up, their behavior is highly unpredictable, especially when they have cubs to protect, because they often abandon those cubs, especially when food is in short supply…as in a recession, say.

Mama Grizzlies, just like many of those elderly women supporting Sarah, are very hairy, beyond help from Nair or other depilatories, and sometimes they are, you should pardon the expression, STINKY! Especially when they’ve been scratching their butts against the nearest tree all day.

This is the problem with metaphors. You can’t control them. I suppose Sarah was after only that one image, a grown, female Grizzly Bear up on its hind legs, ferocious in its defense of those it loves. But why stop there? Suppose that Mama Grizzly gets a thorn stuck in its paw…? Will Sarah crawl bravely into its den and pull that nasty thorn out? Or will she hold out for a speaking fee?

Finally, when it comes to how those Grizzlies got that way — Mamas — by their mating habits, let’s just hope all those gray-haired women in the Sarah crowds aren’t stuck with that one. They would have to take on several mates in any one season, selecting the most fit according to the rules of the tundra: The most obese, those best qualified at putting on some extra adipose tissue just to get through those long, cold winters. At least they don’t always have to be on top!

Palin has been accused of being vapid in the making of that video. And liberals regard her, and her comments and personality, as the gift that keeps on giving. They would like nothing better than to see her as the GOP candidate for President in 2012. There’s already am image on YouTube, a shot of her face painted in on a nude woman sprawled on a Grizzly bearskin rug in a teasing pose, offering to remove the eyeglasses next. Zowie, Baby!

Now that Sarah is more Hollywood than Anchorage, though, it makes a lot of sense for her to co-opt our California symbol — the Golden Bear — from our state flag, and apply it to her own national ambitions. We can only hope the reconciliation between her daughter and the father of her grandchild goes as well. It’s about time we had a First Family in the White House as dysfunctional as the average American family is. Not since the Reagans have our chances looked so good!

Rumor on the streets of Berkeley is that the Bear Backers, founded by affluent conservative Cal grads, is one organization ready to throw its support behind Sarah and her behind. And as for talk about the “Golden State and Golden Girls,” Alaska’s Gold Rush is much more recent than ours.

Already, Obama’s daughters are embracing more cuddly metaphors, residing as they do in one of the most functional families in the nation: the Sun Bear, the Koala, Pandas and the legendary Teddy Bear, not nearly as Republican as its namesake. We’ll see whether lovable and cuddly beats ferocious and stinky come November.

©2010 Dennis Green