On the Nod

by Dennis Green

The first time I witnessed this phenomenon, circa ’68, in Isla Vista, I was still teaching at the University of California at Santa Barbara. I saw many former students in that condition, on the nod, sitting on sidewalks and leaning back against the walls of storefronts, semi-conscious, and I began asking around about what was going on.

I soon learned that they were, most of them, addicted to heroin, and that the consequence of that particular drug was a sort of “in-between state,” in which the addict was neither fully conscious nor quite asleep. A little dreamy, detached, and radically enervated.

On hemodialysis, which only cleans my blood enough to keep me alive, I’m on the nod myself these days. Coming up with a thought is a serious chore; remembering anything more than name, rank and serial number is beyond me. Only writing, which takes great effort, keeps me sane.

I may go back and read Naked Lunch just to see if I appreciate it any more while I’m in this state. I remember a conversation I had once with my old pal Kadi Kiis. “All my friends!” she groaned. “They’re all going on downers! Pain killers, tranquilizers… I remember when we were all doing uppers! Coke, or speed…anything to put a little SPRING in your step!”

Her comments made a lot of sense. Artificially enhanced states of mind — in either direction — don’t appeal to me anymore. Some of the medications I must take make me drowsy, but that’s an unintended side effect, not something I seek out. And I’m working on it, looking forward to a time when instead of the hemodialysis, I can do the peritoneal, which leaves one much more alert.

Noddism leaves you half-asleep, no matter how stimulating your environment. I’ve tried playing the rock videos, getting out the bongos, even drinking gallons of iced tea. Nada. Nod-Da! I never smoked weed to get mellow, found it mildly stimulating, great for sex! As I got older, I sometimes found that smoking a hit at bedtime helped me go to sleep. But I’m back on caffeine these days, anything to perk up!

Being on the nod is no fun, sort of feels like living inside a plastic bubble. I hear a woman say on TV, “He told me I would feel again. I never wanted to feel,” referring to detox, rehab and addiction. Wow. I have always wanted to feel, even when the feelings were very unpleasant. I realize there’s a perspective I have never really shared, wanting to kill all feelingsa.

I also don’t understand people who say they “drink to forget,” partly because alcohol doesn’t give me the slightest amnesia. Stop to think about it, I don’t know any writers who seek forgetfulness, the waters of Lethe. So many stories, so little time!

I try reading poetry and find a little tiny, two-word aura follows my gaze as I scan the lines. A very light violet in color. I seem to like it.

Also, I like very much being in the here and now, that precious present moment when everything happens. I draw my breath, and let it out, as conscious of doing so as I can possibly be. So I’m looking forward to getting off the nod.

©2010 Dennis Green