72 Virgins

by Dennis Green

There’s a very funny satire making the rounds about a “labor stoppage” among suicide bombers because of a reduction in the number of virgins who will await them in Paradise, from 72 to merely 63. Their union, “BOOM!” (Brotherhood Of Osama’s Martyrs), has declared a strike, and for the time being no members will be blowing off their members.

And of course, besides laughing my heinie off, the satire got me to thinking, for the first time really, about this whole concept of such a reward in Paradise. I mean of all the women I’ve had relations with, only two of them were virgins, and with one of them, things went very badly and were all downhill from there. That’s a 50/50 chance of misery. Not great odds.

So why would anyone want to be rewarded with 72 of these inexperienced young ladies? Of course, all this comes about in a culture where women aren’t allowed out in public without a male escort, preferably a family member or a husband, and must cover themselves from head to toe with thick, un-clinging fabric. But that’s a very weird notion about feminine virtue.

So far as I know, no such virtue is expected of the men in these societies. And I’ve heard the explanation that the men were always off fighting battles in these cultures, leaving the women at home, and that the women therefore had to be heavily protected from…what? Themselves? Or perhaps from the 4-F guys who stayed behind.

If these are the standards by which Jihadists say that we in the modern West are decadent, I’m sorry, but I think any man who would blow himself up for 72 virgins is just plain nuts. I can’t even imagine trying to manage a harem of 72 non-virgins.

And what about the female suicide bombers? What do they get? 72 truck drivers? 72 plumbers? I mean, they have to get some kind of reward besides getting the hell out of there.

So, no, I don’t think we will ever be able to comprehend these people, or their culture, or their beliefs. Something is seriously amiss here. All those hymens! I don’t care if those women are circumcised, that’s just too much painful friction. Some folks’ Paradise is another man’s Hell.

And where are they getting all these virgins anyway? I mean, I don’t doubt that any female making it to 18 in that society could be virginal, but are they simply killing them all on their 18^th birthday and then sending them to Paradise? Or is it true, as the poet Wallace Stevens says in “Sunday Morning,” that the “ripe fruit never falls”?

Even Jesus, described in the Koran as a major Prophet, tells us that “in heaven there shall be no male nor female,” and I’m assuming that also means there will be no hot sex. If that’s the case, we better get it while we can, while we’re still alive on earth. So much for virginity!

While we in the decadent West feel that sometimes virginity is a burden, especially the virgins who unburden themselves before the age of consent, most fathers with young daughters can understand the protective instincts of the Muslim culture. At the same time, we won’t stone those unburdened young ladies to death in the soccer arena either.

And, we don’t strap on explosives and blow ourselves up in the public marketplace or square to kill innocent strangers. We seem to value life more than we do virginity, at least in the context of modern sexual liberation. I can’t help but think that’s a good thing.

©2009 Dennis Green